What makes your best friend your best friend? Common interests? Been friends so long you don't remember? We just are, can't really explain it?
So, why have I been thinking about this particular subject? The past couple of months have been extremely emotional for me. First backing up to the Spring and finding out about my son's brain disorder, that I've suspected all along was real. Then finally, after 12 LONG years of seeking help, getting him accepted to a facilty that treats brain issues. And then, actually letting him go - to live - 3 hours from home. A tough decision for any parent, yes.. relief that the house is peaceful - absolutely!... missing him.. of course. Makes for an emotional me? You bet!
Not that my son's situation really has a direct affect on the topic for the day, but it puts some insight on my emotional state and what I've been pondering for quite some time.
Best friends.... my very first best friend - the girl I shared everything with - lockers, friends, secrets, McD's fries, bus seats, dorm room in Hawaii - you get the picture... well we became close in junior high.. and through the year and a half I was in high school. I found out I was moving to Texas and she stopped speaking to me. It wasn't until last year (27 years later) that we spoke again - not for lack of my efforts. We're not close like we were... it's more like we have always just been acquaintences. My next best friend I met in Texas. She was the first one to make me feel welcome at my new school. We stayed close for the years until I graduated. We shared a lot through those 3 years - the death of a good friend, boy-friend drama, band trips, endless sleepovers - she even went on a blind date so I could go out with my boyfriend.
As the years passed, our lives went in different directions and I ended up back in Illinois. We lost touch several times... we still speak - occassionally, but again, its just not the same.
There have been many times that I observe my female friends and their relationships with their friends and honestly, I'm jealous. I'm not saying I don't have good friends - but as the past few years have passed... I have become aware, convicted, and painfully reminded that I'm completely to blame for my lack of a BFF.
No - really, surely I don't really think that! Right?
Oh how sweet of you to think that! (insert Laugh out Loud).
I do have friends... gals, ladies, girls, etc... that I do talk to ~ occassionally.. not that I just call up and say hey what's up and talk for a while... I have friends that I see once a week on sunday morning... I have ladies that I guess I consider friends but would never call them to ask for advice, for a recipie, or even a cup of sugar... I do have people that I can call if I need someone to watch over my daughter in an emergency - but I feel a huge heap of guilt for asking but have no other choices... my daughter chastises me for not going to the ladies event at church - I don't fit in... I have tried on several occasions, but I just don't know how to belong. the ladies there have been friends for years - i just don't know how to go about fitting in... honestly I hvae tried... but........
I am not a good friend. I don't really think I know how to be. It's kind of like my parenting skills - quite rough. I am not the friend who just calls out of the blue to say hi.. nor am I the one who makes plans for whatever. The message from our sermons for the past three weeks has been from Romans 12. I've been convicted that I am quite self-serving, self-absorbed, you can fill in the blanks as it fits to how you perceive me... really - I won't be offended.
Maybe i'm too wrapped up in the problems with my son and protecting my daughter. Maybe I'm too focused on school work (ok, there can't be too much slacking in that area - I will be selfish there)... Maybe i'm not versed enough in the Bible - WOW! Poor excuse there... the only person to blame for my short-comings is me.
I want to be a good friend... I want to have a best friend that I can tell absolutely everything about anything and be accepted and vise-versa.
So a few weeks ago I was fixing my hair or something that required me to look in the mirror. I did not like what i saw. Not one bit. The expression on my face is hard - unfriendly. Geez I thought - I wouldn't want to be friends with that person. I could blame it on a rough childhood and young adult life. Ok, so I will lay some of the blame there - unhappyness kind of follows you if you don't cut the leash at some time.. or if you cut it but let it follow for so long - it just keeps following you.. (I just made that up)..
I know I have a strong personality - I mentioned that a while back in another post. It's been something I have been really, really, really working on. I am trying to not be so quick to judge. I have been trying to not have such a quick tongue (oh that one is killing me - as I've very (to the point of too much) fluent in sarcasm). When someone does something that I perceive as stupid - I say something. When someone hurts my child (which there is some of that going on right now with my daughter) I have found myself being not nice to that person and her family. I mean she's turned a couple of my daughter's long time friends against her.. but here, see, I'm not being nice by gossiping about how rotten I think it all is.
So as I have read back through this.. it's almost like a poor me post... not meant to be that way.. just observations about me. Sometimes I think it helps to write it down and reflect. Then after a time come back and see if I am allowing the Lord to work through me or if I am continuing to do it MY way.
Now, if you are reading this and I personally know you and I have not been the kind of friend I should be, could be, or you'd like me to be... pray with me, pray for me... I want to be a BFF and emphasize the last F. I don't mean that I need a million friends.. but you know.. I want to learn to be a friend - a friend and sister in Christ.. I want to lose my crassness and hardened edges and have His light shine through me...
Romans 12: 9-21
Behave Like a Christian
9 Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. 10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; 11 not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; 12 rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; 13 distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. 16 Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion.
17 Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. 18 If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. 19 Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.
20 Therefore
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
If he is thirsty, give him a drink;
For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.”
21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
one last personal note to m. I am so blessed by your friendship and I do thank the Lord everyday for you!
I DO think you are being hard on yourself. I could tell you pretty similar friendship stories... changed schools, suddenly no one from that school talked to me anymore. Move to a different side of town, it's like I moved to the Antarctic! Pregnant at 17... well... I'm sure you can guess how that went.
ReplyDeleteI've had to work at the few "close" friendships that I have... and by work, I mean, make efforts to make the time to visit and keep in contact, be there when they have problems, even if at times I don't feel they are there for me or put the same effort into our friendship. The quotes around close is because I have very few close friends that I can tell everything to. Even the ones who think they are close to me, probably aren't. Or, I pick and choose what I tell to different people, so not everyone knows the full story. Later when they find out something they feel they should have known as my friend, I know they probably feel offended, but it's kinda like, why put all my eggs in one basket kinda deal, when so many people have come and gone out of my life? Negative attitude, yes, but I've dealt with judgment my whole life it seems... so see, you are not alone.
We are all selfish at times, yes... but we also have priorities. Family comes first. If your friends do not understand that when you have a family crisis that it is more important than hanging out, or whatever, then they aren't being a good friend. What happens when you are in a crisis and a friend is also? Well, be selfish together and support each other as you can! But don't beat yourself up over making your family a priority. Or anything else important to you for that matter. When school is in session, I have to put it above hanging out sometimes. When funds are low, I have to say no to going out because I can't afford it. Does that make me a bad friend? Or should my friends understand and try to work around my limitations? I don't know... I kinda feel like a real friend would try to work around the limitations and try to be understanding of the situations. If they choose to not spend time with me because of my limitations, then I have to question how good of a friend are they?
ReplyDeleteOf course, then there are the friends who ALWAYS have limitations, ALWAYS have problems, ALWAYS have complaints and gravitate toward the negative... in those cases, the only thing I can think is to do what you think is right. Sometimes all you can do is walk away and pray for them.
I think you've been a great friend to me in the past 6 months. I really feel like we've gotten to know each other well, and I do feel I can trust you, which means a lot. It's hard being in a town that is my ex-husband's... going to a church that was "his" church... trying to be friends with our old mutual friends and wondering who I can trust and who I can't... knowing that most have no clue what happened... losing the only family I had here... while everyone else sits with their family at church it just emphasizes how alone I feel here. It's fine when my friends are around, but on the rare occasions I am by myself, it's rather depressing. Losing my in-laws was harder on me than losing my ex, if you can believe that. While I'm glad my boys still get to be a part of that family, when they are with them, again it emphasizes that I am alone.
It's not that I have a problem with being alone. I am content with my alone time and I like being at home. But, when I moved here the hardest part of leaving Indy was leaving all my family (of course), leaving my brand new baby nephew because I knew it meant I would not get to be there as much as I wanted and be the "cool" aunt because I wouldn't be around as much, and leaving my church, which I really loved.
I was homesick for a long time when I first moved here and when I have those moments of feeling alone, I think that is what it is. I feel homesick because that's the last place I lived where I felt at home, and didn't have the "marshall" shadow hanging over me. It IS getting better though. Last weekend when the boys went on the annual vacation without me for the first time, it was really rough. I had a terrible day. I survived and that is when I realized that what I was feeling was homesickness because I had no family here to fall back on. I imagine that with time, I will adapt and overcome as I always do. I'm a pretty strong person... you are, too.
The strange thing is, when I was married I couldn't wait to get out of this town... but now that I am on my own and not under all that... burden... I was under... I'm not in such a rush to go. I have A LOT more friends here now than I do in Indy, and even though all of my family is in Indy, it isn't that far away. Less than two hours is nothing. The more people pressure me to move from here now, the more I feel like I want to stay, or least, stay in the area. Luckily I have 4 years to see what happens... I can't see moving D in the middle of high school. I know how hard that kind of thing is from experience. As bad as things have been in my past, things always seem to work out perfectly in the end, so I am sure it will all be fine!
This was very well written and I very much liked your reference to Romans 12. From what I have seen, you are very strong in the face of adversity, you are a wonderful mother who has had to handle many things most other mothers have not had to handle, and don't forget your chronic back pain... I give you a lot of credit for being able to hold it all together! I think women need other women friends to share with, and that support is important. Many women however will find themselves so inundated with having so much to carry, it becomes difficult to put in the effort to be a friend. I was this way for years until I learned that this was a very female as well as maternal reaction. Friends give us oxygen and we women oftentimes put ourselves last. I followed your blog and feel free to follow me back. I find writing to be very therapeutic, and just so you know, I have always found you to be very thoughtful and kind. I would say you need to be a friend to yourself right now and be gentle with yourself... God Bless... and again great blog :)
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